Written by Deidre-Ann Burrell

What do you do when you’ve found yourself in the middle?
The middle of a transition?
The middle of where you are, but unsure of what’s next?
The middle of wanting more, but feeling stuck?
The middle of what seems like the mundane?
Well, that’s where I am in this season of my life as a stay-at-home.

Stuck in the middle of what lies ahead and trying to find my way in a new country.

Lord knows I didn’t see THAT coming!

I call it the “middle passage” (not to be confused with the Middle Passage in history)

My middle passage denotes a journey, one rife with periodic movement, pauses, breaks, turns, standstill, and occasional rerouting. When I think of a passage, I envision walls on both sides and an alleyway leading to a dark and unknown place.

How do you keep walking confidently into the unknown when you’re unsure of where you’re headed? I believe that each step, however tentative, will eventually lead you to where you were destined to be.

Being stuck in the middle will either cause you to look back or to look forward.

Looking back will help you to reflect on where you were and how you got to this point while looking forward will help you navigate your way out of the middle. To know how I got here, we have to look back. So, let’s look back for a moment.

So, let’s look back for a moment.
I’m in my teens, living in Kingston, Jamaica. It’s time to sit the secondary exams in the Caribbean Examination Council (CXC) and I’m being asked to select the subjects aligned to my future career path.

That was the beginning of the end because I was never one of those kids who knew early on what they wanted to be. If you knew what you wanted to become from a child, well, kudos to you!

There were things I enjoyed doing, but as I grew older, there was nothing I seemed passionate about enough to pursue. I felt the pressure to pursue fields and careers that were more marketable, but I always felt as if none of those marketable fields or career options were truly for me. It’s not like it is today where everyone’s a paid content creator/influencer (where do I sign up?) or where titles are given to non-traditional/informal jobs.

For a few years, I worked as a banker in Jamaica, until the Lord told me to leave in 2016, which I did in obedience (a little scared, but I resigned and didn’t look back). In that “middle passage”, I spent more time with Him and my daughter and pursued varied hobbies and interests. I even had a short stint as an entrepreneur. If you purchased a Step Out In Faith Shirt back in the day, let me just say “Thank you for your support!” At the end of that season, God allowed me to regain formal employment at another financial institution after almost 2 years.

Sidebar: I do so poorly with math, that the fact that God allowed me to work in more than 2 financial institutions is wild. I digress…

As I embarked on that new journey, I could trace how seemingly random tasks, activities, and connections, were guideposts for my next assignment.

I served in that role for a few years until I migrated to the United States of America (USA) in 2020. I had this narrative in my head that it’s easier to find jobs here than in Jamaica, but I was (and still am), in for a rude awakening. I’ve been trying to gain meaningful employment for the past 4 years.

4 YEARS!

And I mean, there are jobs out there, don’t get me wrong. But Lord knows I’m not cut out for certain jobs, chile!

Starting over is hard. Whether it’s after being laid off from a job, divorce, a breakup, moving to another state/city/country, or following the loss of a loved one. It felt as if my prior years of employment and education were null and void unless I could show work experience in the US.

After the birth of our daughter in 2022, I resumed the job hunt with renewed fervor. I did all the things in faith so I could be prepared for what I was praying about. My resume was updated, my clothes were bought, I practiced for interviews and I felt ready. However, the more I applied, the more rejection letters I received.

I promise this isn’t a pity party, but my identity took a huge hit. Though my worth was not tied to my work, I started questioning who I was and essentially, who God was. I struggled to see the plans He had for me in this season. Was I to be content where He had me? Should I focus on my family in this season? Did He have other plans for me that were outside of corporate? Was I not good enough to be employed in a corporate setting? Were the “no’s” His way of protecting me?

These thoughts and more replayed constantly in my mind.

Whenever you face a constant (and back-to-back) string of rejections, it’s tempting to think that maybe YOU’RE the problem (umm . . . maybe you are), but many times you’re not. If we understand that God operates in seasons and timing, then we can wholeheartedly cling to Him when we have unmet desires. His Word says He will withhold no good thing from those who walk uprightly (Psalm 84:11).

I’ve heard it said that you will be tested in the area of your calling, and for me, that’s encouragement and faith. How does one encourage others and cling to the fraying fabric of their faith when every door seems shut? Is this a subliminal pitch for employment? Sure isn’t! (Or is it? … I wish I could insert the emojis that mimic the mischievous grin on my face).

This waiting period, as I sit in the middle of what feels like an abyss, feels unnerving at best.

It’s hard to write from the middle because everyone wants to know where you’re going when you are unsure of where the middle eventually leads. Some days I look back longingly at seasons where I was more productive and felt more purposeful, but then I’m reminded that each season has its own share of hardships. Oftentimes we want perfection without pruning.

As I sit here typing and reflecting on this journey, while the baby sleeps in the next room, I’m mindful that I’m right where God needs me to be. There is nothing like His timing because a blessing received prematurely and without adequate preparation can become a burden.

Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”.

It says that HE KNOWS the plans HE has for ME. They’re good plans. They’re not meant to harm me. They’re plans to give me hope (and Lord knows I need it) and a future. Unbelief is always waiting at the doorway of doubt and frustration. How do you combat that when you’re in the middle? …you fight what you feel with what you know in God’s Word.

I’m somewhere in the middle.

I’m not sure how much to the back or the front of my destination, but I’ll have to keep walking with blind faith. When one sense is impaired, the others work overtime. So, with blind faith, I have to keep my spiritual ears open, all while trusting God’s leading and direction. It’s not easy, but transition involves turbulence. Things are only shaking up so that the pieces of the puzzle fall into place. The middle passage is a dark, and oftentimes lonely road to travail, but God is with you every step of the way so you won’t walk alone.

As I mull over the thoughts I’ve penned here, I realize that somewhere in the middle of this passage, my faith was restored enough to offer encouragement in an otherwise hard and discouraging season. If you’re in a messy, middle passage, keep moving forward. Slow. Steady. Steps.

I’ll be at the end rooting for you!